Oh, to have lived as one of those brave warriors.
A fantastic legend from a mythical past.
Daring deadly dragons and deadlier women.
It is a dream I have.
Month: November 2014
The (Not So) Hidden Hero of Excalibur
Excalibur – Part I
I love the movie Excalibur. A squire pulling the sword from the stone. The tale of Lancelot. The quest for the Holy Grail and the final embrace of father and son. And never forget the epic and triumphal music. This movie is my knowledge of King Arthur’s tale. John Boorman’s version of this myth will forever suffice for this non-Brit.
The more I watched this polyphonic film, the more I questioned who is the real hero. Eventually, I decided this movie is less about Arthur or Merlin or Lancelot or anything they represent and more about someone else.
The story of Excalibur is a better tale about Perceval. One of the Knights of the Round Table, many people do not remember his name.
The more you think about it the more you realize he is the only character worth a damn in the whole film. And he is not introduced until the middle.
I break this movie into six acts:
Act I: Backstory with Uther and Merlin and Arthur’s birth
Act II: Arthurs wields Excalibur and becomes King, saving LeondeGrance.
Act III: Introduction of Lancelot and Marriage to Guinevere
Act IV: Betrayal and Things Fall Apart
Act V: Quest for the Holy Grail
Act VI: Redemption and Final Battle, Conclusion.
Only Merlin, Arthur and Morgana span all acts in some form.
On first glance, you would probably list the main characters as: Arthur, Merlin, Lancelot, Morgana, Guinevere, Mordred and Uther before going further.
Let us examine these main characters, dispensing first of the two main villains:
Morgana: Wronged in childhood, Merlin and Uther killed her father and it made her evil. Nothing else need be said. (Except here)
Modred: Incestuous, power hungry, murderous, heathen offspring of Morgana and Arthur. Demon child. Pure evil.
And the potential protagonists:
Uther: Undeniably a dirtbag. Merlin basically hands him the thrown by giving him Excalibur and has to teach him how to make peace with Cornwall. A peace which lasts for less than a day. Minutes after making a blood oath, Uther lusts after Cornwall’s wife. He then gets Merlin to cast some magic to lure Cornwall out of his castle and kill him while he rapes the lady in front of her daughter Morgana. Wonderful guy this King is. He got what he deserved. Thrusting the sword in the stone is a cool way to go out though.
Guinevere: Has essentially one job in the whole movie: DO NOT SLEEP WITH LANCELOT! Sleeps with Lancelot and things fall apart. Her redemption is she held on to Excalibur for Arthur. (And so much more)
Lancelot: The perfect knight with the perfect flaw. Worships Arthur even though he knows Arthur cheated to win their duel. Then becomes useless as he will not come to Camelot since he can not stop lusting over his best friend’s wife. After he sleeps with Guinevere, he goes AWOL for twenty years while things fall apart and then tries to kill Perceval because Perceval has the audacity to come near him. Only comes back at the very end when all the characters are redeemed of the crap they pulled during the movie. It should be noted no one actually kills Lancelot. He appropriately dies from a self-inflicted wound.
Merlin: Unquantifiable idiot whose conceited manipulations spawned the whole fiasco. He gives Excalibur to the arrogant tyrant Uther. He helps Uther rape Cornwall’s wife, getting Cornwall killed in the process and all the while bartering a child with the rapist. Mind you it was Merlin who convinced Uther to make peace with Cornwall in the first place. Duplicitous. He does not ever seem to worry Morgana may want revenge for killing her father even though he confessed his role to Morgana’s mother when he took baby Arthur. Instead, he is deceived like a giant doofus because Morgana shakes her behind at him, getting forever locked in an ice tomb after giving up all his secrets. Like everyone, gets redeemed at the end. This movie could legitimately be retitled “Merlin is a Moron”
Arthur: Incompetent squire. Goes from humble king to arrogant king in minutes breaking Excalibur in a fight with Lancelot. Does not notice his best friend ogling his wife at every chance and vice versa. Lets people talk crap about his wife and does nothing before she even sleeps with Lancelot. She then sleeps with Lancelot and he still does nothing except give up Excalibur and be pathetically depressed. Gets easily duped into sleeping with Morgana, hell-spawning Modred. Lets the land fall into disrepair and becomes a genuinely worthless sack of potatoes for twenty years while Morgana and Mordred rampage about. Is always reliant on Merlin for advice and Excalibur for fighting. Sends all the knights on a pompous quest to find the grail for his own purposes, causing the brutal death of every knight but one. After the battle saving LeondeGrance, everything about Arthur reeks of failure and arragance. Until of course he is handed the Holy Grail while decrepitly laying on his throne. He then redeems himself and gets a totally underserved king of kings sendoff.
There is not one worthy hero in this entire lot. Just flawed people who create problems.
So who is the best hero in this movie of heroes?
Perceval. He of perseverance.
It is clear. Some clues should be (w)holy obvious but we will go in order of the movie.
First, Perceval is the only character who could plausibly represent the viewer or common man. Every character from the onset is either ordained nobility, mysterious Lancelot, a more mysterious lady in a lake, a villain (also ordained nobility) or Merlin. There are no common man characters in the entire film except him. Perceval was not a knight or empowered by lakes or magic. He was a young peasant scrub when Lancelot came upon him. He convinced Lancelot to take him as a squire by showing skill in the forest, successfully shadowing an otherwise fearsome knight for a time and even hunting and cooking while the great Lancelot slept. This is called earning a job through merit and ambition. He then ran all the way to Camelot rather than ride piggy back. This is impressive determination to prove worth to an employer. Who would not hire such a man?
Second, he earns knighthood through courage, valor and adherence to duty in the face of death. When Gawain challenged the Queen’s honor before her affair with Lancelot, not one of Arthur’s supposedly loyal or brave knights would rise to his challenge and Lancelot was nowhere to be found. Lowly Perceval did not know what was going on or, frankly, give a hoot. He only knew his King was asking for someone to defend his Queen’s honor. Not to know why but to do or die. Arthur did not know Perceval’s name when he knighted him. It was irrelevant because his qualities already showed. This man leapt on a horse with no armor ready to brazenly charge at what appeared to be certain death against a heavily armored and studly-young Liam Niesson. And more so, Perceval looked on it as if he had won an award. A squire bravely fulfilling a knight’s duty is how a squire becomes a knight. Of course, Lancelot finally showed up to take care of his own mess, sparing Perceval a needless and unjust death. Or sparing Gawain perhaps.
Third and most obvious is Perceval succeeds in the Quest for The Holy Grail and is the only character worthy of speaking with God. Twice actually since he failed on his first attempt to answer the Almighty questions and therefore had to continue the quest.
Act V is the story of the persecution and perseverance of Perceval. The Knights of the Round Table all starve, freeze or are slain in battles but Perceval carries on. They fall to the hallucinogenic temptations of Morgana but Perceval somehow resists. He does however receive good fortune when the boot spur of a dead friend cuts his noose. A little help from heavenly above for the one character who deserves to receive such timely and divine assistance.
God’s scene is not too important. It is straightforward with God asking Perceval about the purpose of life and the Grail and our hero responding “to serve Arthur/The Lord.” Do no begrudge anyone for this. It is difficult to write God well so it is best to leave it as a simple statement about Perceval understanding the meaning of his life (to serve his Lord Arthur) and move along to the rest of movie.
The preceding scene carries more meaning. After seeing Uryens killed and totally hopeless knowing he is the last knight, Perceval comes upon a desolate valley with lowly people around a river. There, he sees old, filthy and haggard Lancelot along with a group of poor souls mourning in a funeral procession. Seeing his former boss and assumed greatest of knights, Perceval begs Lancelot to return to help save Arthur. Perceval thinks they need the awesome abilities of Lancelot to find the Grail. Perceval pleads with Lancelot to keep faith in Arthur and Lancelot promptly tells the people to throw Perceval into the river to drown.
Great juxtaposition, Lancelot represents the best mortal men believed could be attained. As Gawain said, “is there anyone here who doesn’t think him a God?” If anyone thought he was more than a God, it would have been Perceval, his former squire. For Perceval especially, Lancelot would represent the limit of human ability and courage. If Lancelot could not do it, then it could not be done.
And for his dedication to the Round Table and after twenty years of honoring a knightly quest Lancelot has ignored, Perceval is rewarded with a horrible death by the Round Table’s greatest knight, Lancelot himself. Further, since he is the last knight, Perceval knows Evil will win upon his death. But no matter the circumstance or how hopelessly dejected Perceval appears, this man never quits.
Drowning and weighted down by the knightly armor whose worth he thought paramount, Perceval sheds this burden by dumping it on the river bed where it belongs. Practically naked but free, Perceval finally rises ready to meet God. Not as a self-rigteous Knight of the Round Table but the mere and worthy man he has always been. This time, after his long persecution and continued perseverance and with clairvoyance of purpose, he nails without hesitation the Almighty’s questions on the first try. He takes the grail and still half-naked goes straight to pathetic Arthur, restoring the King’s clairvoyance of purpose and setting in motion the final battle which redeems the other characters.
Fortunately, Perceval is properly rewarded in the final scenes after an awesome battle. The good guys sacrifice to extinguish evils they themselves created throughout the film, dying brave deaths. No one is left after this brutal slaughter of two armies. No one except somehow Perceval. Of course, how fitting and deserved. The one survivor is our common man. The only man worthy of meeting God twice and living to tell the tale. Perceval’s whole story is akin to the ‘meek who shall inherit the Earth’. Well done, Boorman!
As much meaning as there is in the rise-to-God scene and Perceval’s ultimate survival, there is also much in the sparse dialogue between dying Arthur and Perceval. King Arthur tells Perceval to throw Excalibur into the lake and Perceval tries but thinks against it. He pleads with Arthur that “other men” may need to wield the mighty sword to fight future evils. Arthur tells him when the need comes the sword will again return and commands him to toss it into the lake. Arthur is telling Perceval or rather common man that he does not need help to rule this realm, though Perceval struggles to realize this and still doubts his future despite surviving everything he has already been through.
Now this is the great Excalibur for which everyone battled throughout the movie, forged at the dawn of time or whatever Merlin said. Very few people would have given it up. Not you, probably. Certainly not me. But unlike most, Perceval is truly noble. He takes the greatest weapon ever known and heaves it into the lake to be never seen again. Perceval, the peasant scrub casually introduced in the middle and who at end is the highest and mightiest man in all the land, will be fine without ordained tools or the ordained themselves. Even if he fears what may come, this man will persevere.
As credits roll, King Arthur and all of his fantastical brethren have been rightfully cast off. Their show is done. Only he remains and it could only have been him. Invictus Perceval. Brave and righteous. The (not-so) hidden hero of John Boorman’s Excalibur.
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Your Tattoo Is Lame
[[[EDITED UPDATE:
TO THOSE WITH TATTOOS: STOP! STOP! STOP!
It has come to my attention a couple of times now that some people really do not like this post. I understand these sentiments. Just click away now…..I am serious.
Have a great day!
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Stubborn, eh? Well, if you insist, make sure you read the opening line and first paragraph twice after you are done. And to be honest, do not get too upset about what one blowhard on the internet says about a tattoo he has never seen. Screw that guy! is what I would think, personally. Nevertheless, I did my best to prevent myself from gratuitously making you angry while you most likely procrastinate from work. Govern yourselves accordingly.]]]
So begins a mean and hypocritically judgmental post…
As we look around there are fewer and fewer individuals and more and more drones wishing they were clones. One indicator is the presence of a tattoo. Not all tattoos but most nowadays. And further the tattoo is not conclusory but only evidence.
Some tattoos are totally appropriate. Religious or cultural marks of expression are common and we can not begrudge Samoans and the like. We also understand if you have joined a high-risk team, close-knit unit or profession such as the military or other emergency personnel. If you find yourself in a situation where you rely on the talents and skills of others to stay alive, go ahead and proudly get a tattoo if it will make everyone happy and add to team cohesion.
We will not address all the deceased and departed tattoos or portraits of children and wives. While we go the photo-in-wallet route, people grieve and love in different ways even though these remembrance tattoos never seem to do the person justice. Usually, they are hideous.
But other than these limited situations, we do not see the point anymore. There was a time when those who had tattoos were rebels of society. Looked down upon and feared by the average sap in public even if the fear was unfounded. Sporting a tattoo back then meant not caring about society’s rules and stating you shall do things your own way. These were the tattoos worth having.
Not anymore. Tramp stamps, inspirational quotes, meaningless Chinese characters and artistic portraits are the norm. Who are these people?
Heck, we don’t know what interests we’ll have next year and are baffled why people think there can be a single image or message they would want to look at in a mirror for the rest of their lives. Even worse, an image or message they feel encapsulates them so perfectly that it has been sacredly chosen to be their slogan or mantra to the outside world forever. This is near-sighted narcissistic nonsense.
We once had a list of quotes and there were several great ones. For instance, one of our favorites is “ye shall know the truth and it shall make you free”. Damn good quote. Yet despite its awesomeness, we are pretty sure we’d be sick of looking at it on day three. Our friends would tire of seeing it faster. Same goes for any artwork. Even the Mona Lisa and especially the Mike Tyson-esque tiger stripes people are putting all over their body.
Another are Chinese characters. Whereas you can at least decipher the meaning of some lame quote or interpret a photo, we are certain there is a large percentage of people with characters on their back which are either drivel or an insult like “I am a ding-dong”. And deservedly so.
These god-awful tattoos of every variety are on everyone everywhere now. I see tattoos on the ankles of lawyers and lower backs of teachers. Where we live, we have reached the point that when we meet someone our age, we expect a tattoo and are genuinely surprised if they do not have one. For nitwitted millennials and those a little older, getting a stupid tattoo has become some kind of right of passage. Almost like driving a car or voting.
Worse, most of these people know it is a bad idea because they always tell you “I can get it removed later”. If already in your head, perhaps the tattoo is not a good idea in the first place. That it can be removed later is awful, naive and glib thinking. Why undertake totally fruitless actions which can only be reversed by spending a lot of money and going through lengthy, uncomfortable processes? Why not get a temporary tattoo or henna which can be redone every couple of weeks until maturity finally arrives? These people are basically saying they are fine with needlessly punishing their future selves because they refuse to exercise any current wisdom.
Knowing it is a bad decision, some people hedge their bets by getting the tattoo in a place where it cannot be seen. Lawyers and other professionals often fit into this category. These people are the worst and this is despite the fact they are already lawyers. Worse than tramp stampers or Chinese characters wearers. From what we gather, they are having trouble figuring out with which aspects of society to conform. Unsure of whether being cool is really cool, they hop on both sides of the fence. Of course, there is always the reality they or their loved one still have to look at the ugly thing day in and day out.
Further, by not showing the tattoo in public these people only create uncomfortable situations for themselves going forward. It becomes an unintentional secret. All the people they will meet develop an image of them from what is presented and what is presented is without tattoo. Then the company beach party or friendly picnic happens and everyone gets to see the giant Elmo tattoo or ridiculous dragon Gary has on his back. Friends and co-workers will come up and say “I didn’t know you had a tattoo” and will tell him its nice but most of them are lying. Don’t believe what people let on publicly because they turn right around to us and mock Gary privately. To be sure, we tell Gary what we think to his face because we like Gary.
For example, we know a 19 year old girl who just left for college. Incredibly sweet and kind person who we all love very much. Family. But before she left, she got a tattoo on the back of her neck of some saying we cannot remember exactly. To paraphrase: Only the strong survive. Or something to this effect but with several needless words. As we immediately told her when we saw it, we will help pay for its removal when she wisens up. We mentioned to her that those who exhibit mental fortitude do not write reminders about mental fortitude on themselves. They just exhibit it and let actions be their statement to the world. We also advised we could have scribbled a message into her skin to see if she would like it first. Didn’t matter. The tattoo was “too cool” and she needed it now.
Worse, her sixteen year old sister has already confided she wants a tattoo as soon as the law allows. Horrifyingly, she intends to get a sleeve from shoulder to wrist on one arm. DA FUQ? We presume gone are the aspirations of being any kind of respected professional. And don’t give us the horseshit about changing the world so sleeved-arm tattoo’ed professionals are the norm in the future. We have never met a lawyer, judge, or doctor who has a sleeve tattoo and if we did, we would seriously question their reasoning. Honestly, what can you do to talk sense to these people? They must screw themselves up in order to learn.
At least it is not a tramp stamp. The main purpose of a tramp stamp is to draw attention to a woman’s ass and trust that men are already noticing her ass without the stamp. Another reason for these stamps are to give someone something to look at when doing it like they do on the discovery channel (love that song). It is called a tramp stamp for a reason. And if this is what we and society figure, this is what the stampee’s future children will figure out. What a nice and subtle lesson for the kids. Of course, if she has not already paid boatloads of money to have it removed so that her children do not wonder whether mommy was a slut but still know she lacked good judgment.

For saying the truth, this girl does gets our respect. Not for being an unashamed slut though. There are plenty of those.
Then there is the face tattoo. Personally, there is nothing worse than a face tattoo. If part of a military unit and everyone was getting one, we would take the risk of pissing everyone off and being put on point perpetually to eventually get killed. However, we do actually have respect for those with face tattoos. Not the dots or tiny stars by eyelids (facial tramp stamps) but the full on repugnant face tattoos. Although hideously ugly, these people clearly don’t give a shit what others think. That courage, even if horrendously misguided onto their face, can be a good thing in life. It could also mean they are a murderous whacko but you don’t need a face tattoo to be one of those.
So in summation: unless Samoan or similar, part of a dangerous team, or someone who’s judgment is controlled by grief/love, we think your tattoo is probably just a conformist symbol of your inability to think independently. Please stop getting them just so you can get a tattoo like everyone else has done. It is lame!
List of Alliterated Insults
@MehdiManseur
Watching the game…thinking of the coach…..
Damn you
Astronomically Absurd Asshole,
Abhorrently Atrocious Abomination,
Bombastically Blathering Baboon,
Boisterously Bloviating Blowhard,
Catastrophically Chaotic Charlatan,
Colossally Contemptuous Coward,
Cosmically Conceited Clodhopper,
Diabolically Decrepit Deviant,
Dangerously Duplicitous Douchebag,
Devastatingly Destructive Dingle-berry,
Disturbingly Disgraceful Derelict,
Degenerately Dimwitted Dumb-ass.
Electrifyingly Egregious Error,
Exceptionally Evil Egomaniac,
Ferociously Frightening Featherbrain,
Fantastically Felonious Fallacy,
Genuinely Generic Gargoyle,
Horrifyingly Hellacious Heathen,
Incredibly Incompetent Ignoramus,
Insidiously Irrational Imbecile,
Infuriatingly Incapable Idiot,
Judgmentally Juvenile Jabroni,
Knowledgeably Knuckle-headed Kinchin
Legendarily Lobotomized Laughingstock,
Ludicrously Lamentable Loser,
Mesmerizingly Muttonheaded Malfeasant,
Marvelously Maniacal Moron,
Monumentally Monstrous Mongoloid,
Malevolently Mischievous Misanthrope,
Notoriously Nefarious Nincompoop,
Outrageously Odious Orangutang,
Objectionably Outlandish Oomh-pa-loom-pa
Obliviously Obsessive Ogre
Preposterously Pretentious Pissant,
Pathetically Putrid Parasite,
Quintessentially Quarrelsome Queef-stain,
Reprehensibly Repulsive Rapscallion
Ridiculously Revolting Reject,
Repugnantly Reptillian Retard,
Sickeningly Sanctimonious Sycophant,
Spectacularly Stupefying Simpleton,
Tremendously Terrible Troglodyte,
Unequivocally Unqualified Usurper,
Unforgettably Unimpressive Ugly
Villainously Venomous Vagabond,
Worrisomely Witless Weisenheimer
…..till next week’s loss.
————
Still searching for X, Y, Z
Suggestions Appreciated. Rules are: Three word alliteration; 10 or 12 syllables; Cannot use a word that is already on the list; First word ends in ‘ly’ and must be 4 syllables or more; Last two words must be a stand-alone direct insult; No one syllable words; second word cannot end in ‘y’. Good luck. And no vulgar curse words. We draw the limit at queef-stain.
Darwin’s Succinct Meaning of Life
Fight For Life.
Live For Love.
Procreate.
And Make Them Strong.
Almighty Time Machine
Pondering awesome potentials conducting masterful plans,
Who’d operate but the Beasts of Power?
We could only be damned.
If marvelous futures fate magnificent machines to life,
Good men must sacrifice.
Destroy them.
Permanently without remorse.
Useless to repetitious Man,
Presume them parcel to insidious and hidden plans.
What good is time travel?
Rectify horrible wrongs saving millions?
Saving lost loves?
Nonsensical babble.
Lying promises to mindlessly blind masses allowing monstrous creations.
Promises as purposeful as scraps on a tank factory floor.
Only obvious explorations shall these devices explore.
Make creation comfortably fit into a blasphemous blueprint.
Dictatorial controls like those experienced never before.
Beasts, powerful imbeciles, are arrogant.
Destroying humanity’s story securing selfish plans,
A temporal game of whack-a-mole dousing fires before sparks are born.
Worse,
Incentives smarten idiots but lure evil fully maddened.
Tinkering horrors will more rapidly happen until a timely disaster closes Man’s door.
Under magic thumbs,
Man is a slave hopeless and tragic, never realizing his fists.
Warn brave souls who would foolishly challenge Created Almighty.
Oblivion.
Instantly forgotten.
Never remembered.
A forfeited right to exist.
The Beasts of Power crowned Masters of Fate is a fate truly fearsome.
Beware of these heathen machines.
They are the final graves of our freedom.
The Goal
I hit it high.
He saves it.
I hit it low.
He saves it.
But I hit it there.
Where the devil himself
Could not stop it.
——————
-Interpretation of a quote from Antar Yahia.
Non-Aligned State
Oh, non-aligned state.
Foreign policy
I encapsulate:
“Respectfully, no.
But I wish you well.
Still bothering me?
Then go straight to Hell.”
One, Two, Three, Viva
Stubborn L’Algerie
Hope they never change.
Except for better
Domestically.
Old Fate
Gazing at Fate’s powerful piercing eyes.
Envious, I have no vision to share with Him.
Always longing for His sight over hidden horizons,
I fight on damned to fight myself.
Foolish, callous and triumphant I will charge
For an unattainable ultimate victory.
‘Oh, Fate. What do you see?’
I seek His vision.
Man dies to know.
Has died a million deaths.
Shall die a million more.
What further price can be paid than the endless pain we two have sewn?
‘Respond, Almighty Fate!’
————
‘Silence!
Hear, finally. Not hope.’
If a choice, kindly, not even to enemy would I be known.
To be certainly condemned by certainty?
I, powerful to him, would fear that destiny.
But damned Man’s bold stupidity still nags me.
‘Learn. Cursed fool.’
As I have said before.
Man does not know that he can see
But I cannot share his vision.
I am a relic, limp and blind.
Just a folly of ancient yore.
‘Old friend, it has always been
Freewill is King
So beg of Fate no more.’
Awful Poet
One truth to remember
And by now you should already know it.
I am a really awful poet.
For instance, one crime of mine
Is that I must try to rhyme.
I know I shouldn’t do it so much
But I always need my poetic crutch.
Clearly, I am not great
Like those named Poe, Shakespeare or Yeats.
Or any of those who provided us
With so many vivid escapes.
I cannot follow rules.
Don’t like em.
And I have terrible, terrible syllable construction.
But what can I do?
I care not for its function.
My poetry is not for their test.
I would not care for their pretentious grade,
Anyways.
It is not for some job.
I am not looking to get paid.
You don’t need to tell this amateur
That he’ll never be sharp like them.
Trust me, I get it.
But darn it, they began somewhere.
They were not scribbling in air.
So I will continue to do it.
And I will do it for me
Because it is what I please.
But more importantly,
What I want you to see
Is that you should try too.
So pick up that pen
And give it a go.
And forget all the rules.
Forget those stupid, constricting, elitist rules.
They’re for the birds.
None of them matter
Even if they call you a fool.
Cause the one thing I know,
What I found out fast,
The one thing I will promise to you:
Poetry can be your freedom
And that is a greater truth.


















